I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
