It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
