this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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