Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
