he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
