Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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