guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
