You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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