i wish my penis had a tongue
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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