why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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