and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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