Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
