i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize