I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
