I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
