I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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