i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
