Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
