guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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