You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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