I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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