just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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