it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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