She announced her abortion via fbk
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
