The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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