so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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