she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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