Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
