I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
