this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
