i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
