im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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