naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
