I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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