I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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