Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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