Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
