i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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