I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
