Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
