You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
