Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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