nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
