The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
