Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
