My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
