I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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