Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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