OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
