My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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