Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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