You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
