we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's never too late to be topless.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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