Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
