at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
