I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
