Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize