Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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